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hope inside hopelessness

February 18, 2018

Sitting here, staring outside of my apartment window. My soul nudging me to follow its purpose. Its soft wing tips on my back. My ego mind yells, why don’t you know it yet? What are you doing? Find your work!


My balanced beam off kilter. I lean into the darkness. Comfortable in its inviting misery. 


Looking for the light, I see it there. The solution rising around me with the gentle ease of Existence.


Yet knowing and feeling are two different things. My mind so accustomed to facts, to holding truths of sorrow, is not ready to back down just yet.


So strong stands my soul. In the light. Seeing the truth of all things. Beholding the vision of my mission. Holding the truth and the impartial love of condition-less peace. But my ego mind holds on to the structures, outdated long ago. Grasping to each glimmer of misery. Taunting, life is a burden to bear.


But like a heart warrior with wings, the halo’s glow around my heart begins to deepen. Seeing the bridge between light and dark. Illuminating the pathway.


Not knowing, blind, I feel my way through. Meekly trudging on. Faking a trust and faith thats not mine yet. Holding onto the hopes of others in maybe.


The passageway into my heart is dark. Illuminated by intangible faith and let go. It exists to teach me something.


But why are there so many lessons? My ego mind cries. I want to let go, and say goodbye. Sometimes. In these moments, never feels better then now. And another life beckons its call.


Stopping to breath, standing in the doorway of freedom, I see my pillar of white light. It exists where there was none before. Illuminating a new way of thinking. A rebirth into a life previously unknown. It’s scary, the ego mind cries, but the soul. It knows the path ahead of me.


Blindly letting go. Expanding my wings from earth to sky. Looking to the clouds, as my feet lift off the ground. Pushing myself to the edge of the doorway that frames my new life. All that exists to my eyes is mist. And the energy of expansion around me. 


So I stutter in my steps. Clinging to what I know. The presumed misery seems easier to navigate then the mystical hope of boundless love. My heart cries for the sweet newness, but what if my promise to self can’t be kept.


The mind creeps in with its caution. Pulling me back in.


And it goes on like this within the divine timeline. The tap dance between dark and light. The burden of sorrow and suffering thats not mine anymore, so tempting with its snare. While the newness of love and light holds my space.


The light cups me. Never letting go. Showing me new wings. An expansion into love’s being. I’m scared. So afraid to fly. Where am I going? And what if I fall? What if I don’t get there soon enough? Or never at all?


In these moments of despair and no faith, is when life doesn’t feel worth living. And I wonder why, why am I here anyway? What is my reason for being?


And although I can’t answer the question just yet. I know I’m supposed to keep searching. Using the flashlight of my soul in the fear. Knowing that the light won’t let me die. Won’t let me let go of myself. Ever.

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